It's the last week of November, only a couple more weeks of class. This semester has gone by pretty quickly, probably because it's been so busy. The holidays are rolling around and so many people are getting into the "Christmas Spirit."

I'm not really one of them.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Christmas. I just don't get all excited for it weeks in advance anymore. I enjoy getting to spend time with my friends and family and remembering the reason for the holiday, I just don't get all jolly about it a month before it happens. Not to mention this Christmas is going to be a lot different.

I dropped my dad off at the airport last Friday night. The way airports are now makes it impossible for a long goodbye. I gave him a hug and told him goodbye, as did my sister and brother. My mom had been crying since I pulled up to the curb at the departures terminal. I know she's going to have the hardest time with this whole thing.

I keep thinking about the fact that he'll be gone for over a year, and that doesn't seem so horrible. But I neglect to recognize the risk that he faces while being over there. I don't think about the chance that he might die. I mean, it's a war zone. We are in a war. He is required to carry a gun everywhere he goes because there are constantly people there that are going to try to kill him.

But I don't think about that. I'd rather only consider that if it becomes a reality. I pray it doesn't.

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So it's early in the morning and officially Thanksgiving. I really enjoy this day of the year. It gives me a chance to spend some time with my whole family and to enjoy some delicious food.

I'm not one of those people that use Thanksgiving as a day to reflect on things that I am thankful for. Although I think it's nice that people have this day set aside for doing so, I believe it's important to give thanksgiving every day. I make an attempt to start every prayer with thanking God for allowing me to live through another day. It could be a day I would not wish to relive, but even so I show my appreciation for the day. I give thanks where the thanks is due, so I'm not going to list out the things that I'm thankful for.

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On a completely different note, I'm sure that everyone has at one time or another taken a Myers-Briggs personality profiling test. I have taken in numerous times through high school and what not. About a month ago, we took it in my marketing class and I just became more interested in it, so read up on it.

I am a INFJ which means I prefer introversion, intuition, feeling, and judgment. All of that is not what's so interesting. I've read into it more and found out so many things that really explain why I do the things I do.

Here's a list of the basic characteristics of a INFJ:

• Sensitive
• Quiet leaders
• Great depth of personality - intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even themselves
• Introverted
• Abstract in communicating
• Live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities - part of an unusually rich inner life
• Artistic (and natural affinity for art), creative, and easily inspired
• Very independent
• Orderly view towards the world but within themselves arranged in a chaotic, complex way only they could understand

I couldn't say it better myself. I align with every one of those things. It explains why I like to write, why I like to make music, why I constantly over think, why I enjoy my independence. It points to so much.

Knowing your personality type can really help you understand yourself and even help you decide what type of relationships you desire and what types of careers you'll thrive in. Not to mention it's interesting to read the profiles and see how much they align with your personality.

And like my marketing professor said, everyone likes their personality profile. No one ever finds theirs out and wishes they had another. How amazing is it that our minds are created to actually like ourselves?

I'll probably bring all of this up again sometime. It just fascinates me.

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I currently have a feeling that I haven't had in quite some time. It's a good feeling, but it brings me mixed emotions.

This feeling is directed towards someone I met about six months ago. She's an amazing person that I love to talk to and I love to hang out with. We had worked together in what could possibly be labeled as one of the most annoying jobs in existence. The day I met her, I automatically had a crush. People that know me would understand that this is extremely rare. I quickly found out that she had a boyfriend, so I never said anything to her about it. Even so, we got a long great and would constantly joke with one another and talk on the phone when the job would send us to different areas.

Even after both of us had quit the job, we were still making the effort to make time and hang out with each other. As the summer went on, she ended up breaking things off with her boyfriend and I eventually found out that she had similar feelings towards me. I told her all about how I developed a crush right when we had met. We continued to talk and hang out, but hesitation took the best of me knowing that shortly after we had admitted this to each other, I was going to be leaving for school. This would mean both of us would become extremely busy and have two hours of distance between us.

I decided it would be easier for me to just not think about the missed opportunity. So I constantly tried to convince myself that since it would be difficult for anything to happen, I would try to just not have feelings for her. It didn't work. Every time I would talk to her, or on the rare occasion I'd get to see her, the feelings instantly resurfaced. I love talking to her and listening to her stories. I love how she makes me laugh and I love to hear her laugh. I find myself bringing her up in conversations with my friends. When I'm in class, I find myself wondering what she's doing, what she's thinking, what she's feeling.

And with all these things going on in my mind, I'm stuck.

I don't know what to do.

I like her so much. I wonder if she even knows. I mean, she tells me she likes me, but does it mean the same thing as I'm feeling?

And if it does, what are we to do? I find myself wanting to be with her, but it's so difficult with how things currently are. We live such a distance apart and are both so busy. I want it to work out so badly. I want to be with her so much.

All of this is very difficult to say. I really haven't said it to anyone. I'm sure my friends know how I feel because of how often I bring it up, but I really haven't verbalized how much I like her. Part of me is afraid to even post this. For more than a year, I've been extremely reluctant to express my true feelings on a lot of things, especially when it comes to things like this. The last time I fully disclosed my feelings, I was bombarded with a lot of heartache and a lot of pain. I'm not looking forward to the possibility of experiencing that again.

I want to open up to her. I want her to know what I really feel.

I want to open myself up.

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Autumn is such a beautiful time of year. I used to hear people say that all the time when I was younger, but never really took it for what it's worth. Falling leaves just meant I was going to be spending hours out in the yard raking, hardly something I found excitement in at that age. But now, I wouldn't mind that at all. I would love to just take a couple hours out of my day and spend them outside, alone, sweeping those fallen leaves into neat piles. I think that even today, I'd still feel compelled to jump into the pile, just lay there and draw in that fall aroma. It just seems so simple and tranquil.

I never take time for myself like that, time where I don't have to speak and I can just enjoy the wondrous creation. I get so set in routines and deadlines and relationships that I forget about all the other things this world has. The world we live in is so set on the importance of socializing that people forget about finding themselves. They make themselves into what the world requires them to be, not the individual they're meant to be. Being a loner or an outsider has such a vapid connotation attached to it that people who find themselves to be more introverted force themselves to live in a way that makes them uncomfortable; a way that makes them feel unfulfilled.

I've promised myself on numerous occasions that I would take some time to just be by myself. Each time it comes to it, I just find myself thinking of the possibility of missing out on something. I'm not sure what I think I'm going to miss, but I do know that I'm neglecting some personal time that is necessary. It doesn't need to be days or weeks, just an hour or two every once in a while, just time enough to clear my head.

So maybe before this beautiful weather passes and the icy white begins to fall, I'll go out and take a walk by myself. Find somewhere new, see something I haven't seen before, and discover something about myself I've been needing to unwrap.

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