I am consumed with apathy.

The worst part is, I can't decide whether or not I like being consumed by it. On one hand, it allows me to be less stressful because I just don't care what happens. There are seriously some days where I just don't care if I even talk to my friends. I seriously have days where I'm just like "Eh, I can live without them." Now don't get me wrong, I have really great friends. It's just an example of how apathetic I've become.

When did this happen? I used to worry and care about everything. I used to do whatever was in my power to keep things from becoming problems, to keep on good terms with everyone, to be a really great friend. Then one day, I just stopped caring.

I've lost a lot of trust in the idea of friendship. Friendship used to mean a whole lot to me. It illustrated the bond that I shared with people. A bond that I always believed to be strong and lasting. A series of multiple events changed the reliability of this illustration for me. I didn't think it was going to have any lasting effects, but I guess it must have. My feelings of friendship, trust, and reliability were all really shaken and they just haven't recovered, and I'm fine with it (hence the apathy).

I have nights where I lay in bed and think about moving away and just starting over. I just dream about how it would be to wake up in a different state, different people, different life. I wonder if the apathy would follow me.

I'm going to say again that this is not a shot at my friends, this is simply an observation of how I feel lately. I love spending time with them and having talks with them, this is just the mindset I've been in lately. It's nothing they've done and nothing they've caused.

I'm just in a stage of doubt and a stage of uncertainty, and this reaches beyond my feelings of friendship, believe me. This state I'm in is affecting a lot of aspects of my life.

It's funny that I'm using the word "feeling" when that is exactly what I'm lacking. I feel empty of emotions. Of most emotions, actually. I kind of float through each day, never hitting a high or a low, just coasting in between.

I don't like being this way.

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Some days, I wake up very uncomfortable and disappointed with the person I am. I want so badly to be a walking example of my faith, but I fail miserably every single day. I'm self absorbed and pleasure driven. I seek too fervently the approval of others and even more fervently the disapproval of some. I compare myself to complete strangers and convince myself I am somehow better.

I am no better. I am a human being. But I am not hopeless. I am far from hopeless. I pray everyday that I will be transformed and changed. And everyday, I feel that I am.

For so long in my life, Christianity meant being good and pleasing Christ. But Christianity in society today mixes so many things up. I always thought it was so important to do what was acceptable and if that meant separating myself from those committing the unacceptable, then so be it. Stay away from the drunks, stay away from the sluts, stay away from the liars. I thought the only way to remain pure was to build a barrier.

Christ left us with two commandments. One was to love the Lord with all your heart. The second was to love your neighbor as yourself. He didn't say, "Love other followers as yourself," He said to love your neighbors. To love everyone. Christ showed love and compassion for prostitutes, lepers, thieves, drunks, people that are condemned and shunned in so many of His churches. We're hardly showing love for our neighbors. We're simply creating safe havens and barricading those off.

In my life now, Christianity means exactly what Christ meant it to mean; love. Love for God and love for others, regaurdless. Christ showed love for everyone, why should I do any differently? He showed love for those people that many believed to be unlovable. I think that as a Christian, it is my job to follow His example and express love and compassion for all people, regaurdless of where they are in life, what they believe, what they do, how they act. All people matter to God and all people should matter to me. If God can show compassion to me when I don't deserve it, surely I can show compassion to others.

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I haven't been able to write much because I was tied down to an all-consuming job that I hated. Fortunately, I quit that job last Thursday. I had been planning to for a while, but I planned to wait until at least the end of next week, but I just couldn't stand it anymore. I was putting in about 60 hours a week doing something I felt was ridiculous and annoying and getting paid very poorly for doing so. I did get to meet some really great people and even made a friend I definitely plan on staying in touch with.

I can't decide if May went by quickly or if it dragged by. It feels a little like both. I don't want to say that May was wasted, but there were definitely other things I would have rather done then sell useless items at a table in front of crappy stores. I wasn't able to spend as much time with my friends as I would have liked to. I felt like I was kind of neglecting them sometimes. My really good friend that had been in Europe since January was finally home, but only for the month of May. I got to see him a little bit, but not as much as I would have liked. He's away for school during June and July, so I won't really get to see him much this summer. Hopefully I'll make it down there for a weekend and also get to spend some time with him in August.

I rarely see my best friend anymore. When I do, it's for brief amounts of time in which we talk very little. This is the guy I used to spend every single day of my life with and share everything that happened to me with, and now it's like he just can't make any little bit of time for me. The worst part is, I'm usually okay with it. Sometimes, though, I think about it and can't help but be really sad that we never hang out. He hardly ever calls me and when he does, it's usually just because he needs something, not because he cares about what's going on with me or just wants to catch up. For years we talked about what it'd be like when either of us got into a more serious relationship and for years he reassured me of how he'd always be able to make time for me. I wish that had been true.

I'm looking forward to finishing up my last two years of college and just moving away. I'm ready for that change. I cannot see myself staying here for very much longer. I've become so apathetic when it comes to things that used to be so important to me. I used to care so much about each and every relationship I had, I'd bend over backwards to make a friendship last. Lately, I don't care as much. I'll do what I feel is right and what I fell I need to do and if that doesn't fit in with a friend's plan, I'm sorry. Don't get me wrong, I care about my friends. I don't want to see any of them hurting and I definitely will never betray them. I will only be true to myself and invite them to accept that. If they can't, then I suppose the friendship isn't that strong.

I'm also learning to enjoy some time to myself. For the longest time, I could not stand being alone for any period of time. Lately, I look for little breaks where I can just do what I want. Sometimes I'll read, sometimes I just drive randomly, or I'll just sit on my bed and do nothing. Doing nothing is sometimes the best thing to do.

When I look at my life and the people in it, so much has changed over the years. There are familiar faces, but different people behind them. I'm not implying that these are bad changes, just changes. The same is true for me, I'm much different. I've changed a lot, and I'm sure I will continue to change. What is life if no one progresses? How will I grow as a person if I face the same trials over and over?

I'll sum up this obscurity with yet another C.S. Lewis quote. I've been thinking about this one a lot. I really wish I could have met this man, even to just say, "Thank you."

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -C.S. Lewis

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