What am I looking for? Who am I looking for? What is going to fulfill me?

It's a constant internal struggle with me. I never know what I'm after. I'm always longing for the perfect companion, yet I'm afraid to fail that task. I'm afraid to take a chance and find out I'm wrong. I wrestle with myself and tell myself, "Take the chance, you'll never know otherwise." But when it comes to it, I just second guess myself and instill more confusion.

Sometimes I feel constrained by my own life. There are things I want to do that are way bigger than myself, and I just want to be able to do those things. I pray every night that God will show me my purpose, show me what He wants me to do. Either He isn't ready to tell me yet, or I haven't been listening well enough. I know that one day He will reveal it to me, I'm just getting impatient. I want to start my life, pursue my purpose. I know that in order for all this to happen, I have to start taking risks. No one has accomplished anything significant in this world by taking the normal route, the safe route.

So here are the things I'm searching for:

My Purpose- I know God put me on this earth for a reason. He has something in mind for me. I want to fulfill that purpose completely, but I want to know what it is first. I know when He reveals it to me, I'm going to see it and know.

My Career- Your purpose and your career aren't necessarily the same thing. While I hope that they would be one in the same, it doesn't always happen that way. Either way, I want to know what type of career I should pursue. When I first thought about going to college, I was concerned with getting a job that would make me a lot of money. I wanted to be rich. In the more recent months, I've realized that money really isn't everything. I hear people say that all the time, but it really isn't. I want a job that is fulfilling, where I feel like I've accomplished more than a paycheck.

My Significant Other- A recurring theme in these posts, I know, but it's something I feel is important. I could very well be a hopeless romantic though. I always think I have this idea of the perfect mate in my head, only to find that I really don't know what I'm looking for. I know I want a girl that is:

• Intelligent
  
• Can see and think outside of herself
  
• Can hold a conversation about important things
  
• Has dreams and ambitions of her own (and is willing to make me apart of them)
  
• Has a sense of humor (but knows when it's inappropriate)
• Trustworthy and honest
• Compassionate
• Affectionate

I know those all sound like pretty basic things, but I'm very particular to them. And I guess what I see as a sense of humor or my ideas of honesty and affection may differ from other's views.

My Place- By this, I mean my literal location. Where am I meant to live? I would like nothing more than to stay near to my family and friends, but what if God wants me to be elsewhere? I'll definitely go where God wants me. Where is that? Michigan? Seattle? Outside the U.S.?

So anyways, those are the things I'm on a search for. At the same time, I'm trying to make due with what I have and be patient. God will present these things to me as He finds fit. I just have to wait and be sure not to take control and settle. It's so much easier to desire patience than to have it.

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Despite what could be seen as very upsetting or depressing things that have been going on, I am extremely happy lately. It's like, no matter what happens, I just keep feeling happy. And the best part is, I know why.

Finally, I've given up on worrying about those things I have such little control over. I now understand that there are just some things that are not meant to be affected by me and just because those things might fail, it is not at any fault of my own. I wanted so badly for the people around me to experience the full potential of their life that I was inhibiting myself from experiencing mine.

I'm starting to be better at differentiating between what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and what I think I should be feeling. So in turn, not necessarily allowing my thoughts to fully affect my feelings. It's pretty freeing to be able to do so.

I've started reading some more lately. I don't have any classes this semester that require heavy reading, so I'm able to read some stuff that I want. Right now, I'm reading "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller. So far, I really enjoy it. He talks a lot about how humans search to fill the void in their life by validating themselves to the people around them. He uses this to explain a human's competitive drive and desire to always be the top. It's really great.

I started to go to church regularly again. School started to make it impossible for me to go to the church I really wanted to, but since I've been home most weekends, I've been able to make it. And I really love going. I in no way feel that it's a necessity or that I'm doing something just because I should. I'm going because I really enjoy it. I'm learning a lot, growing a lot, and just finally being able to release stress by reaching out to God.

Sharing my faith has always been something important to me. I like to share it, I like answering questions about it, I like being challenged. I actually have people day to day that will talk faith with me now. It's been really great. Of all the things to discuss, I love talking about that more than anything else, obviously because of it's importance to me.

Last weekend, I went to two really great concerts for bands I love, Relient K and Emery. The Relient K show was really great, but the Emery one amazed me. Not only was their performance outstanding, but afterwards, I got to talk with Devin Shelton who I consider to be one of my heroes/influences. I talked to him about the process of creating his music and about touring and about the meaning behind some songs and a whole bunch of stuff. It was so inspiring to see such a humble guy tell me about the profound meaning of his songs and how he works to make every song glorifying to God. It was so amazing. I've never left a place feeling so happy.

So to wrap it up, I know this was completely illogical and all over the place, but I'm just feeling so many great emotions lately. I just feel like I've finally broken away from the things that were bringing me down so greatly. Life is all in what you make it. If you choose to allow the mishaps and more depressing aspects to overtake you and become your main focus, you're going to lose sight and hope in the blessings and opportunities that can make your life amazing.

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I am awake.

Finally.

I feel like for the longest time, I've been trapped in this state of blurred lines and conflicting feelings. A state that made me upset, disoriented, confused, and all around unhappy. I can't even begin to illustrate the amount of time I've devoted to prayer and concentration in the interest of breaking out of that state. And I feel like I am finally on the road to doing so.

Let me tell you the story of a twelve year old boy who one day realized the meaning of the world and the meaning of his life. It wasn't a complete realization, but one so substantial that it changed his vision of himself, life, and God.

It is one thing to be brought up in a "Christian" home. Of course this type of environment presents a much greater fostering for faith than other types of home. This boy was brought up in a Christian home. Every Sunday, the family would travel 30 minutes to attend the church that the boy's father had been attending since he was a teenager. While there, the boy learned the basics of Christianity. He learned the stories from the Old and New Testament, and he learned the stories of a man named Jesus who came to the earth from Heaven and was killed on a cross for the sins of every person alive. This boy wanted nothing more than to learn about every story and to know this holy man. Even more, he wanted to share this story with everyone he knew. At parent-teacher conferences, his teachers would point out the fact that the boy often witnessed to the other students and told them all about Jesus. Throughout his elementary school years, he knew of Jesus, he knew the stories, he shared the Gospel. But this boy did not know Jesus.

When he was twelve years old, he had a sudden and extraordinary realization. He discovered that this Jesus that he had known all his life was more than just a story to tell, a person to pray to, a figure of respect. He realized that Jesus was there for him now, that Jesus was not only his Savior, but also his Friend. And this realization marked a turning point in his life. Suddenly he realized that the people he surrounded himself with were not the people he had any connection with. And the music he listened to seemed to have no meaning or relevance in his life. He realized that while religion might be a once-a-week routine, faith was something that affected every aspect of his life. And he let it. He started bringing his Bible to school everyday. He stopped being aware of what his classmates defined as acceptable. He became tormented and mocked for his new life, and he didn't care. He indulged himself in his faith, let it affect every aspect of his life. He had a flame of passion burning inside of him that he wanted to let radiate in his everyday life.

This twelve year old eventually grew into a high school student and the flame grew with him. More and more, his classmates accepted the person he had become and many showed a great respect for him. The boy no longer felt that his faith made him an outcast and he became increasingly comfortable in his relationships with his peers. Now, the flame still burned, but the fire was not being fueled. The fire remained the same for years. The boy was no longer focusing as much energy on the growth of his relationship with God and began to focus more on his relationships with humans. He built these human relationships that he believed could withstand almost anything. And, for years, they did. But suddenly, they began to fall. One by one, they began to fail. Some failed completely while others just suffered. The boy fought and fought to save these relationships. He put his heart and soul into doing so. He prayed and prayed for what he thought was and important aspect in his life. And as these relationships dwindled, the boy became more and more depressed. He became so utterly unhappy that he forgot what his life was about. He spent endless nights just crying out to God asking him to repair these relationships. And day after day, he found himself more and more disappointed.

Then, one day, he was talking to a friend when he suddenly saw the truth. And suddenly he understood. And he realized what had been lacking, and it wasn't what he thought. And once he realized that, he felt this huge sigh of relief fall over him. And after such a long time of confusion and misunderstanding, he felt that he finally understood something.

And that night, his prayers were not cries out to God, but tears of thankfulness and relief.

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