I'm about to give an obvious statement:

The most complex thing you'll ever encounter is life.

There are so many different types of complexities that we face on a daily basis. There are internal complexities that only we experience. Those are the constant thoughts that keep us up at night, the things we think about as we go about our day, and the things that just torment us. It's hard to solve a conflict when only you are experiencing it and even you don't understand it. There are also external complexities. These are the things we experience in our relationships with others. They are sometimes caused by one of the parties in the relationship, but can also be caused by an external force. Then there are external complexities that are caused by our internal complexities.

That's what I deal with the most. The external complexities that are caused by my internal complexities. And believe me, I have internal complexities. I am one of the most indecisive people I have ever met. And even when I do make a decision, I constantly question my choice. I analyze everything and I'm good at it, as long as I'm analyzing someone else. I can understand people very well and I know why they do the things they do, and that's what makes it so hard for me to make a decision. I know that there is the decision I should make, the decision I could make, and the decision others want me to make. It's hard to balance those out. Notice there is not a decision I want to make. That's never an option.
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In church last Sunday, the guest speaker was talking about finding your life's purpose. I've thought about this so much and it scares me because I don't know mine. I want to know so badly, I want to pursue it, to work at it. I need to know what it is first. It's so important to me. I don't want to waste my time here, I want to be doing what God intends for me to do.

I've been thinking about dropping out of school. Not permanently, but until I know what I want to do. I just know how impractical and difficult that would be, I'm just not sure the life I'm starting to lead is the life for me. I used to dream about how great it would be to be rich, and now, I could care less about that. I want to be secure, of course, but I'm not looking to be the millionaire Benz driver I used to desire being. I want to help people and make a difference, I'm just not sure how I'm to go about that yet.

I was talking with a friend over the weekend and she said probably one of the most inspiring and meaningful things anyone has ever said to me. She said, "You affect every person you meet in a good way." When she first said it, I just kind of laughed and shrugged it off, but she told me that she's talked to other people about it and other people have noticed the same thing. I thanked her, but I really don't try to affect anyone, I just try to live life the way I feel I was meant to. It's nice to know people think of me that way though.

But I definitely like the fact that people feel like I impact others in a good way. Maybe that's my purpose, but on a larger scale. Can I do that with a business degree?

Can I do that from Michigan State University?

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Despite my lack of writing here, there has been a lot going on with me. I decided to start a paper journal to keep track of my more personal and confusing thoughts that I can't clearly put into words here.

General discovery from that: I am not happy. I am just, overall, not a happy person. I fake happiness, I lead others to believe I'm happy. I lead myself to believe I'm happy. But a happy person doesn't think or feel the way that I do. I just feel like I am constantly condemned to be unhappy, like I always end up down that road. And for a while, I'll think that I am happy, but I find that I'm only pretending to be that way.

I feel constrained. I feel suffocated. I feel like I am trapped by my own thoughts and that I cannot escape them. I feel like I am now seeking contentment instead of happiness. I feel like I can no longer interpret how I really feel. I feel unstable. I feel insignificant. I feel selfish. I feel stressed. I feel exhausted. I feel inescapable. I feel unhappy.

And all those feelings are just constantly mixing together and I don't know what to do.

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I read a letter today. It was a letter I received in September from someone who was very important to me at that time. I was really hesitant when I pulled it out of my drawer. I kind of stared at the envelope for a while. I was afraid the contents would reestablish some feelings I don't care to relive. My curiosity overcame my hesitation and I took the letter out. I read about half of it and realized that I had no resurfacing feelings, so I put it away with relief.

The letter did remind me of somethings though. It reminded me of the caution necessary when entering a relationship or even a possible relationship. Some people are really careless when they meet someone they like and they instantly rush into things. I guess that works for them. I, on the other hand, am much more careful. I think it's very important to get to know the person first. You have to spend time with them, talk to them, ask them questions. That's how you really find out how you feel about the person. Initial feelings can be a fluke sometimes. People can mistake infatuation and lust for deeper feelings. So for those reasons, I refuse to rush things. Some people think I take things too slow. They say I shouldn't worry about the first kiss, even though I think it should be meaningful and special. They say I should just jump into a relationship if I like the person, but I like to take time to know the person first. They say I shouldn't make a big deal about sex, but I think that sex is important and needs to wait.

So some people like to take it fast. I like to be sure. I like to take my time, know the person, and be confident that I want to be with them. I want to know that it's more than initial attraction, I want to know that feelings are true.

I've learned from my mistakes.

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