It's hard to put into words how I've felt the last few weeks. It's pretty much been a roller coaster of emotions. As much as I love roller coasters, I do not like when my mental state mimics them.
How can I one day feel like the sky is the limit, that I'm the luckiest person there is, that I have everything I could ever want and then the next day feel the complete opposite? How can that happen? I've had a few nights where I just haven't slept at all. I get out of bed at 3am, knowing very well that I have class in 5 hours, and I walk around. I walk down the hall, I walk to the lobby, I walk around my room, and I walk to the bathroom, even if I don't have to go. Sleep just isn't on the top of my priorities I suppose, but lack of sleep can't be helping my mood in any way.
It's only when I'm alone that I think about these things, and lately I'm alone a lot.
I was trying to remember when the last time I thought I was truly happy was. Not the last time I had a happy moment or the last time I had a good mood, just the last time that I felt truly and genuinely happy. And I think I decided it was May of 2005. I know it's weird that I can point out the general time and that it's been so long, but I really think it's true. It's almost seemed like everything since then has been, I don't know, different. Like around that time, I turned into a very different person. That was about the time I really started losing weight too. Maybe I was just happier as a fat kid. Now I'm a slightly less fat depressive kid.
What has changed in me?
My biggest fear in the entire world is being alone. Even so, I feel like lately I've been pushing people away. I don't know why. It seems like all of my friends have been trying to help me out. All but the one that could probably make the most impact. I wish he understood just how much I'm hurting.
On a different page, I'm no longer upset at the female sex. I've recovered from what happened just over a month ago. It's kind of hard to believe it's been a month already. I've found a means to forgive her and I'm really over it. As for wishing it never happened, I don't. I learned from it and for that, I understand that it had to happen. I'm ready to move on.
As for what I'm looking for, I'm not quite sure. I don't know my type of girl, I just know the type that I don't want. I don't want to go out looking for her, but I wish I knew her soon. I want something real. I want to be able to look in her eyes and know that we both feel the same way. I want to not have to lie to myself, not trick myself. I want to be so certain.
I don't want to be alone.
Winter break is less than 2 weeks away and it is more than welcomed. I need to clear my head. I need to get back to Livonia, see some people I've been needing to see, spend some time gathering myself, and hopefully spending some time with the people I care so much about.
That's where I'm at now I suppose. I hope to break this soon, it's been much too long.
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