I am really messed up right now. I don't even know where to begin. I'm feeling too many emotions and not many good ones.

I wish it never happened. I wish we had never gone out because then I never would have had to feel the pain I felt that night. I wouldn't have had to hear my friends talk about her. I wouldn't have had to question myself and other people. I wouldn't have had see one of my good friends get so hurt. I wouldn't have had to constantly be thinking about something that I want to forget. I wouldn't have had to defend someone who ripped my heart out. I wouldn't have had to cry.

And right now, I'm very edgy because of all of this. I am so tired of dealing with it from both ends. I'm the one that got hurt, but I'm the one who's trying the hardest to move on. At first, that's all it was, moving on. But now, I just want to forget it. I want to not think about it. I know my friends mean well, but I would rather not hear about it. I just want it all to end.

I always have been able to forgive people. God blessed me with the gift of forgiveness. For those of you that don't see it as a gift, you haven't experienced the beauty of it. Right now, I feel like that ability is hiding. I want to just forgive and forget. I understand why she did it. I'm not mad at her for doing it because I would have done the same if those were my feelings. And all I want to do is forgive her. I'm trying so hard to forgive her. I've never had a problem forgiving anyone before. God, just let me forgive her.

On top of all this, I think it's going to be a while before I can handle being in another relationship. I don't want to say that I've lost total faith in the female sex, but I will say that my perception of them has been severely altered. I don't like the games that they play. And if you're a female, you know what I'm talking about. Even if you haven't played those games yourself, you know girls that have. The worst is the jealousy game.

It's going to take me a while to fully recover. I wish I could snap back as quickly as some people seem to, but unfortunately I cannot. And needless to say, next time I'm definitely going to be more careful. If I thought I was hesitant about emotional expression before, now I'm even more so.

I feel like my whole world is changing. People are changing. I am changing.

Not all change is good change.

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More times of hard emotions. I'll elaborate later.

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mis‧take  /mɪˈsteɪk/
–noun
1. an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
2. a misunderstanding or misconception.
–verb (used with object)
3. to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.
4. to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.
–verb (used without object)
5. to be in error.

de·ceived (d-sv)
v. tr.
1. To cause to believe what is not true; mislead.

rec·on·cile (rkn-sl)
-verb
1. To reestablish a close relationship between.
2. To settle or resolve.
3. To bring (oneself) to accept
4. To make compatible or consistent

e‧val‧u‧a‧tion  /ɪˌvælyuˈeɪʃən/
–noun
1. an act or instance of evaluating or appraising.
2. a diagnosis or diagnostic study of a physical or mental condition.

con‧tent‧ment  /kənˈtɛntmənt/
–noun
1. the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.
2. Archaic. the act of making contentedly satisfied.

self-re‧al‧i‧za‧tion  /ˈsɛlfˌriələˈzeɪʃən, ˌsɛlf-/
–noun
the fulfillment of one's potential.

o·ver·whelmed (vr-hwlm, -wlm)
-adjective
1. Defeated completely and decisively
2. Affected deeply in mind or emotion

exhausted
adjective
1. drained of energy or effectiveness; extremely tired

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I want to make a difference in the world.

I'm not exactly sure how right now, but I know that I want to help people. I want to change people's lives. I want to let people know that there still is love between people and that we are all still a family under God.

I want to stop being selfish and start thinking about more than just myself and my financial situation. But the fact of the matter is, you can't do much without money. So for the time being, I'll try to do what I can. Then when I get older and can make lots of money (God willing) I will be able to do more.

A friend and I are talking about doing a missions trip to Peru this summer to help in an orphanage. I think that would be such an amazing thing to do. But often times, people worry so much about the charity of those in need in other countries, but we overlook those in need here. And there are more people in need of help than just the poor. There's the lonely, the depressed, the suicidal. The drug addicts and the alcoholics. Those that hurt themselves and the people around them. They need help too.

The best way to impact the world is to first impact the people around you. I try to live as a good example to the people around me. I'm definitely not perfect (not even close) but I do try to make good decisions and be considerate of others.

So basically I'm just rambling right now because all I know is that I want to help people, I just don't know what my calling is yet.

I'm sure one day I will know.

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