So I'm in recovery mode right now. I'm realizing what's concrete, and helping to make my abstract thoughts reflect the same.

In the midst of this, I've been doing a lot of writing. I chose not to really post it anywhere when I wrote, but I've been encouraged to do so, sort of as a therapeutic aid.

So before anyone reads them, just know that these are a reflection of my emotions, not meant to be taken literally or to heart. I understand they might come across as harsh, hence the reason I didn't post them when written. They're not meant to start any drama, they're not meant to inflict pain. They're meant to express what I was and am feeling. The first one was written very late after the night everything happened. The other was written early this morning.

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I'm not sure where to start off or what I plan to accomplish through writing this.

Is it true that when God closes a window, he opens a door? Cliches aside, I've always believed in the fact that everything has a purpose. Nothing is coincidental.

That's hard to see when you're in pain. It's hard to see the good that can come from having your heart ripped out. Any other time, I could probably create some scenario to illustrate the good that could come from it, but I'm blinded right now.

I have to trust that God has a plan because I sure do not right now. I wish I could just bounce back but it isn't happening right now. I'm looking for the least painful path right now and I'm not sure it exists. It seems like anywhere I go from here is just going to hurt. It's going to hurt a lot. It already does.

What a lesson on fear confrontation and self expression. And vulnerability.

This is going to affect me in so many ways, I'm not sure where to stop it. I'm not sure if I can stop it.

Maybe next time, I just won't start. I'm starting to believe the optimistic outlook on love is simply that, optimistic. Maybe I need to start looking at the realistic outlook.

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Lately, I am finding comfort in the small things in my life. Which is nice.

For example, there is this lady that works during lunch in the cafeteria. She's just this older lady, but she is always in such a great mood, like she just enjoys life. When I walk in she always asks how I'm doing and when I'm leaving, she makes sure to tell me to "have a good one." It's just nice to know there is someone so pleasant just enjoying every little moment.

I also love to walk through the middle of campus during lunch time when the preachers are out there. They're so passionate about preaching the love of Christ. It's just so inspiring to see someone dedicated their entire life to telling others about something so meaningful.

I also enjoy walking to class. Sometimes I leave early just so I can take my time getting to class and not be rushing. It's nice to just walk, look around me, take things in. See people running around, saying "hi" to eachother.

And I still love to just play my guitar to myself.

I just thought I should share this.

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What was I thinking yesterday? I am far from alone. I have some really great friends that really care about me. And not only do they accept the things I believe, they respect them. And I have an amazing family that has done nothing but support me.

When I woke up this morning, I was just in the most amazing mood. I am happy to be alive. I took an amazing shower and headed out into the rain, and I liked it. I enjoyed walking in the rain. I can't even explain what changed. I just feel so much better today.

Maybe I was just extremely tired yesterday. I guess that's not much of an excuse, but I guess I can't think that clearly on little sleep.

But I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by people that care.

Different? Yes. Alone? No.

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I feel very much alone. In fact, I feel unbelievably alone.

It's occured to me that no one seems to think the way I do. At least no one that I know.

I feel like there is no one I can truly confide in because the way I look at things just appears to be so different from everyone elses', whether it's the way I feel about sex, the way I feel about drugs, the way I feel about alcohol, the way I feel about love, the way I feel about God. Someone has to see things the same way I do.

Someone has to believe that sex should wait until marriage. Someone has to believe that underage drinking still is illegal. Someone has to agree that drinking yourself into an altered state is wrong. Someone has to believe that love is more than just a word and that it's not okay to throw it around. Someone has to agree that love between two people requires more than two people. Someone has to agree with the importance of pleasing God. Someone has to understand that life is more than just a day by day task. Someone has to know that every little action affects more than just yourself.

Someone does. I just don't know who. I haven't found that person. I hate that I have no one to talk to about this.

Worst of all, I hate that having these ideas singles me out. Even with my friends, I feel like they all think one thing, and then there's me. And because of that, they find it necessary to keep things from me or they are afraid to tell me things. I don't want them to be afraid to tell me things. Just because I don't agree with it doesn't mean I'm going to hate them or think less of them. I just want them to be able to tell me. Even in my group of close friends, I feel alone.

So what's the solution to this? I wish I knew. Compromise my morality? Conform to society? There has to be a better answer.

Find someone who understands?

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I need some time alone. I just need to get away from everything and everyone and focus on things that are more important than what I've been consuming myself with. Take some time to just read, listen, think, and maybe write. Writing always helps.

It's not that I don't like the place I'm in right now. I have a great family, amazing friends, an irreplaceable best friend, and an unbelievable girlfriend. I couldn't be more happy with those things. But as important as those relationships are, there are definitely relationships that are more important and I feel that I am not taking the time I should to develop those relationships lately.

First off, I need to work on my relationship with myself. I really do have a good sense of self awareness, but I don't always understand the things I feel. I often times find myself in unexplainable moods which just bring me down as a whole. I think it's important for me to know why I feel a certain way. I've always been pretty good at doing so, but lately I'm not so sure. I'm an emotional person, which is great in many ways, but a curse in many others. That being true, I believe that in order to adequately handle my emotions, I need to understand where they are coming from and what causes them.

Second, and more importantly, I need to work on my relationship with God. That relationship has always been extremely important to me. I'm not saying that my relationship with Him has dwindled or faltered in anyway, but I don't feel like it has improved and grown recently, which is a problem. My relationship with Him should always be expanding. I don't take enough time to improve myself in that aspect, and I really should. Often times people do this through going to church, but I've been really discouraged in the idea of church in recent years, but that's a different subject that I will discuss another time. The main point here is that I need to take time to personally grow in Him.

So I'm thinking that sometime in near future, I will take a weekend or a week to go off somewhere by myself, maybe camping up north. And I will take time there to just be. I'll read, I'll listen to music, I'll write, I'll pray. I'll learn. I'll grow.

I just recently had this realization, and I really think it's something I need. And when you realize a need, the next logical step is to find a utility to satisfy that need. So my next step is to set off to find that utility and I believe the only way to do that is through some self verification, some time away.

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I think I may have some form of depression. Lately I seem to be sad about the smallest things. And I just get really sad and it's all I can focus on. It's not good, and can't be healthy.

And I know I've got so much to live for. There are a lot of great things in my life. But when there's just that one thing that might not be at it's prime, that's all I can focus on. It's all I think about and it just brings me down big time.

Most of the time I'm really happy. It's not like I'm always sad or that I'm usually sad, it just happens at random times. I really can't stand it. I've found that I write a lot of my songs when I'm really sad. The one I finished most recently is just really sad. After I finished it, I read through it and I just couldn't believe such words of torment had come out of me.

I don't really see myself as depressive because I just enjoy life as a whole. There are just sometimes when I focus on the negative and make it outweigh the good. That's when I find myself in a sad and depressive state. And I hate it.

I hate feeling like I just want to cry about little things when there are many good things to smile about. I hate wanting to just run away when I'd be leaving behind so many people that mean so much to me. I hate wanting to seclude myself when I enjoy other people so much.

Emotions aren't always as great as they could be.

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