I've been thinking a lot about what friendship means lately. I recently had my ideas of it shaken and I've really been taking time to analyze the friendly relationships I have around me. I've decided that I'm in a pretty good situation.:

My best friend and I have been getting along really well lately. We usually argue so much but it seems like the arguing has been extremely minimal, if even existent. It's a lot like how we used to be. We even have long phone conversations like we used to, which might seem like a weird thing to point out, but that's always meant a lot to me. It's just nice to know there's someone in this world that you can have such a strong connection to.

I've also got a really close friend who now lives out of state for the majority of the year, but when I do get to see him, it's like we were never apart. That takes quite a connection to accomplish that. I know that in about a month, he'll be leaving again, but I know I don't have to worry because everything will be fine.

And now my two closest friends and I have recently found a new group to kind of hang out with and even though I've only known these people for a few short months, I'm so comfortable around them. It's like I don't have to put on any kind of show. I say what I'm thinking or feeling and they accept it. They're just the most open and levelheaded people. It just makes it so much easier for me to be me.

You know that you've got some good friends when you can sit around for hours doing nothing and leave knowing you just had one of the most fun nights. It's just so refreshing.

I guess the best thing to end with is a quote from my favorite author, C.S. Lewis:

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

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Not a lot of people are aware that I have a really bad temper. When I was younger, I used to get upset all the time. My face would get red, I'd start screaming, I even got in a bunch of fights. But over the years, I've learned how to really control it.

And this weekend, I think I realized that I really have total control over it. A bunch of friends and I went on a trip down to Sandusky to go camping then to Cedar Point. Before we even left, the drama started. There was a lot of yelling and all this stuff going on. I started to get really upset but I managed to keep my cool, not yell at anyone, and just remain levelheaded.

There was a bunch of drama while we were there, but I managed to not get upset about that, until we were about to leave. At that point, I was just so tired of all of it and I just wanted to go home. I could seriously feel the blood pumping in my veins, so I got into my car with everyone and just turned up my music. I just drowned it all out, waited until I cooled down, and then I talked about it.

I just think its important for me to really have a coolhead and allow myself to assess the situation before I get around to talking about it. That way I'm sure I know what's going on and I let my brain have a part in what I say and I don't speak purely based on emotion. I think that just leads to me saying things I later regret.

So basically, if you're my friend, here's some words of advice:

If I'm upset, you'll be able to tell because I won't be very talkative and I might just give short answers to things. The best thing to do at that point is to just give me some time, let me sort it out in my head (or drown it out if I must) and I will talk to you about it when I'm ready.

I don't get upset very often, but I just think it's good for my friends to understand how I work when I'm mad I guess.

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Have you ever thought that maybe you care about people too much? Sometimes I think that I just want the best for everyone so much that it might seem like I'm prying. I just want all my friends and family to be happy, not just in the short run, but in the long run as well. I want them to experience true happiness, even if that means I have to sacrafice my own happiness. Sometimes that just puts me in these awful moods. I do what I can to help, but just the thought of one of my friends being hurt just tightens my stomach and gives me the most terrible feelings. It's like, if one of my friends gets hurt, I get hurt too. I just have such a strong connection to them that the empathy could kill me.

I usually put others' wellbeing in front of my own, which I know is what God wants, but at the same time, it brings me down. I worry so much about other people's happiness that I often forget or don't even realize that I'm not happy.

But in turn, my friends make me happy. And if my friends are happy, then I'm happy, right? Am I?

Everything has to be so complicated.

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